Three more weeks until I take a break. I cannot really afford one in terms of work to do. I wish I didn't need one, but I do. I badly do. I sleep about 9 hours every day, I feel like a zombie and I don't absorb anything. I also don't feel anything. I just function. I really wish I would fall madly in love and then get my heart broken or something like that, just so I can feel alive again. Instead, I will take a few weeks of and go somewhere where I am away from science and politics. I need time for me.
I mean, so far my weekend has been composed of the following: I just slipped in the bathroom after taking a shower and was too damned tired to get up off the floor. I think I should go for a walk, but my body would rather just slouch and do nothing. My brain wants to sleep. Or shut down. I am falling apart and there is no one to pick up the pieces but me.
I had hoped to use July to actually do some science. Like think about some of our projects, analysing data, reading. Oh my, there is so much reading that I need to, no, actually want to catch up on. I had hoped to crystallise some of my thoughts into actual research questions and grant aims, so that they can incubate for the Major Application that is lined up for next spring.
Instead I am still frantically working off my to do list (gotta love Things but it is there are just so Many Things) in the hopes that I will at least get all of the Important Things done. Unfortunately, all of the Important Things (like submitting my groups first really independent paper - nothing mind blowing but a decent enough technological study) is constantly being threatened by Stuff that I simply need to get out of the way if I don't want to screw myself over in September when teaching starts again. Honestly, I cannot believe a year has passed and I have to teach class again for the better part of two months. It means I will not have any time to hear myself think or pay real attention to my peeps until (*gluck*) November. major stuff out of the way that would really screw me over come September if it hasn't been arranged. There is just so much freaking stuff to do that I don't even know where to begin.
What I am doing these weeks? Well, trying to still hire some people, getting two review pieces out - one that has been smooth sailing and one that has been dragging on for two years but that now suddenly has a deadline, reviewing a grant (postponed because I was writing my own last month), reviewing two papers, trying to get a really cool collaboration off the ground, trying to wrap up a massive assignment I said yes to that I will never say yes to again (once bitten...), grading student essays and theses, running after students (who are adults but still make me feel like I need to run after them because they don't stick to deadlines but who also don't realise that I am not a robot who never needs a break). Oh and organising the course stuff, finalising the last new addition, ordering stuff for the practicals, making sure the time schedule is finished and that all of my teaching files are uploaded into The System so the paperwork can be ticked off.
There are days where I wish I could just drop everything and walk away. But then I read an interesting article and I realise that no, I still really like science. I just need some time away from it.
Three more weeks until I take a break.